4. Thinking proper and careful quarries may offend her/him.

One may think that too much investigation about future partner's back ground may not be a good idea. As other partner may find it distasteful. This kind of thought process keeps many young man and woman from asking right questions before marriage.

5. Depending too much on a friend or relatives recommendation.

A sizable number of young man and woman often get married on recommendation of relatives or friends. While generally relatives and friends are regarded as well wishers, marrying on their recommendation is not a good idea. As their knowledge of a person can never equal to knowledge person has about herself or himself. So person to be married is in a much better position to select compatible life partner. Best way out is acting on their recommendation only after successful completion of compatibility check.

6. Getting married to make somebody else happy.

Sometimes people get married to make someone else happy. It may be parents or it may be relatives. There is no problem in making someone happy if that does not jeopardize one's own marriage. But most of time in such cases marriages occur without exercising enough caution. As a result one may end up marrying someone not compatible. If you are really serious to make your marriage an exciting, loving and enriching experience you need to be careful about above things before your marriage.

Tapan Sarkar

Tapan Sarkar,

Ask right questions before your marriage.

Every act of overt muscling by one partner leads to 2 equally powerful acts of covert defiance by other! Don’t mistake submission for devotion, or obedience for love.

Q: Have I engaged in any acts of covert defiance? • Withdrawing or Avoiding (includes: garage, kids, work, school, alcohol, etc.). • Stonewalling (includes: silent treatment, refusing to talk). • Withholding affection, attention, tenderness, appreciation, sex. • Making excuses for why I didn’t follow-through . . . again. • Making and breaking promises and agreements. • Procrastinating. • Chronic “forgetting”: “Oops. . . You know how my memory is.” • Chronic lateness. • Chronic apologies without subsequent changes in behavior. • Flaunting my affection for others in front of my partner. • Lying or hiding truth. • Bad-mouthing my partner to our children, friends, family. • Developing a social network that excludes my partner.

Q: What could I have done that would have been more helpful, more considerate, more kind?

Q: What vulnerable feelings were beneath my anger or defensiveness? (Examples: fear, guilt, embarrassment, sadness, hurt).

Q: What vulnerable feelings might have been beneath my partner’s behavior?

After you’ve answered these questions and have a better understanding of what went wrong and what part you played, you’re ready for last step: Peace Offering.

4. PEACE OFFERING. Assuming you’ve done all 3 previous steps, you should be ready to come back together and talk. Each of you should take a turn sharing what you learned about yourself from your time away. This means owning your part, apologizing to your partner for hurt you may have caused, and making a peace offering. A peace offering can be as simple as a hug or a kiss, or it can be a promise or an agreement to do something different. When both of you have completed this step, chances are you’ll be feeling lots better.

Here’s an example of how this step might sound:

“At first, all I could see was what you did to make me mad–but when I went through lists and saw: blaming, forgetting, and excusing–I realized that I played a part in what went wrong. I think I was attacking you because I was feeling guilty myself for forgetting to do X. Sorry. I know I let you down. Next time I can try to be more honest sooner, or I can at least stop blaming you before you’ve even had a chance to talk. I promise to do X by Friday.”

Sounds good, huh? You can do it, too. Practice STOP strategy over and over until steps are automatic. It takes lots of repetition, so hang in there! When you’ve got it down, try teaching it to your kids. If they’re too young to understand it, use strategy in front of them. They’ll learn by example how to communicate lovingly and respectfully.

Good Luck! © Copyright 2004 by Betsy Sansby, MS, LMFT