Adjusting Your Expectations

Step 1: Decide what is reasonable. This may be tricky because different people have different ideas of this. One way to do it is to think about it when you are calm and cool. Many things that seem “reasonable” when you are worked up, later seem ridiculous and petty.

Step 2: Eliminate word “should.” None of us can control other people, try as we might. People behave way they behave for their own reasons.

Instead of “should-ing” others, state needs from your own perspective, i.e., “I’d prefer if…” instead of “They should…”

Step 3: Recognize limitations. People often behave badly toward us because of their limitations or problems, not because they are purposefully trying to make us miserable. People are fallible and may not be able to live up to our expectations, or they may have a different agenda than meeting your expectations.

Relationships have their limitations. Marital research shows that 69% of relationship issues are basically unsolvable and perpetual. Wise couples accept this and find ways to live around issues, rather than engaging in constant conflict.

Step 4: Be tolerant of other views. Rather than convincing yourself that others are “wrong.” Tell yourself they simply see things differently than you do. No need to get angry over this – they may be as convinced of their “truth” as you are of yours!

Step 5: Explore ways to get needs met. The underlying reason we often get angry at others is because our basic needs are not being met as a result of situation or behavior of other.

Rather than getting angry, we need to consider two more effective ways to deal with situation:

1.Honestly communicate your unsatisfied needs to others. 2.Explore alternative ways to satisfy your needs. Take responsibility for your own needs and find workable and acceptable ways of satisfying them.

Mindfulness should be like a big game of mental hide-and-seek: "Where am I now? Gotcha!"

As a student of Buddhism for nearly 30 years, I have greatest respect for Buddha and philosophy that developed around his teachings. I have tremendous admiration for those who have dedicated themselves to a regular meditation practice.

But it's disturbing to me that mindfulness is seen as "belonging" to Buddhism and that meditation is seen as only vehicle that will take us there. This sounds a bit like, oh, attachment? Clinging, perhaps?

I just can't find it in my heart to believe that Buddha would be ticked off about idea of developing mindfulness in whatever way works best.

Not everyone likes idea of meditation, but here's cool part: those who start off with easy, enjoyable exercises often find themselves seeing value in sitting still. In fact, many clients say they'd never have started with meditation, but they so enjoyed "playing" with mindfulness that they have begun a regular sitting practice!

Sneaky? Sure, but that's part of playing. Fun--in whatever form that takes--is what keeps us going back for more. If you're not grinning, you're not winning in this big ol' game of life.

If "working" on mindfulness isn't working for you, try playing instead.

Throw open doors. Let your inner monk go out and play. It's recess!