Because of their emotional state, they may jump to conclusions that aren’t warranted, or over-react. For instance, if their partner tells them “I don’t like it when you talk that way to my mother (which is a behavior which can be changed),” they may hear, “I don’t love you” (which is a condemnation of you as a person).

This sort of distortion is why it’s good to repeat back what you think you’ve heard in heated discussions where outcome is important. If you say, “Let me make sure I understood what you said. You said you’re angry because I…” this gives other person opportunity to clarify what they said or meant, and to correct your misperceptions. This is vital to good communication.

It’s common with couples for each person to correct other saying, “But that’s not what you meant” or “That’s not what you said.” There’s never a place for this. By checking it out with person you give them a chance to self-correct, to correct you, and to establish clear communication about important things.

SELF-SABOTAGE

If you aren’t clear about what brain is working, i.e., reptilian, limbic or neocortex, you can do yourself in. One reason coaching is helpful is because it can help you clarify what you’re really after, and what fears and obstacles you’re throwing in your own path. If you want something but never seem to be able to attain it, it could be that you fear success, or fear failure, or aren’t clear about what you want.

An example would be wanting to marry someone because you love them (limbic) but talking yourself out of it (neocortex) because your best friend doesn’t like him. Your best friend may or may not be perceiving correctly, and is certainly entitled to their opinion, but they aren’t person who will be marrying this man, you are. Therefore you need to get centered in your own feelings and perceptions.

DISTORTION FROM “CATCHING” EMOTIONS

Emotions are contagious. We vary in our ability to protect ourselves from “catching” them, and in our ability to stay centered in our own emotions. An example of this happened to me other day. I told a friend I was planning to drive from San Antonio to Houston to pick up my sister at Houston airport for us to continue on to a vacation in Alabama. Her flight would arrive at Houston International and we both had cell phones. I planned to pick her up out front. It seemed simple enough to me, but person I related this to said it was “very difficult” and not to try it.

I checked it out with a third person who travels through Houston airport all time to find out what on earth first friend was getting at. The third person said “Just be sure and bring at least $4 worth of quarters for tollway, and aside from that, there should be no problem.” It turned out I had no trouble whatsoever. When I checked back in with first person, he was incredulous. If I had listened to his perception of reality, I wouldn’t have done something that was actual quite easy to do. I’m sure you can think of many examples in your own life.

This is another situation coaching is good for. People tend to bring their own fears into advice-giving, and think about what they would do and how they would feel instead of being able to see if from your point of view. Whatever your goal, whatever you have in mind, there is someone out there who would be afraid of it. Whether you want to be an entrepreneur, or marry someone from another culture, move to a Caribbean Island, or write a novel, or bungee jump, there is someone to whom this is a frightening thing who will do their best to discourage you because of their own feelings about it.

Developing your Emotional Intelligence has many benefits. Give it a try! Most people get immediate results and realize immediate improvements in their lives.

You may have several past “selves” to forgive. Picture each past self who disappointed you and go through same process. You might be surprised at how this can lighten your load and ease your discomfort.

We can’t improve in an atmosphere of self-blame and criticism. When we speak, all we can do is best we can do. Sometimes we succeed. Sometimes we fail. But chastising ourselves for past mistakes can only hold us back. Let your “selves” off hook and move on. Forgive person you were and accept person you are. It’s through compassion that you'll create even better person you are becoming.