10 Things I Learned About Divorce/Vicki Lansky

Written by Joan Bramsch

Divorce: 10 Things I Learned by Vicki Lansky

For anyone who hasn't been divorced, trust me, divorce is never what you imagine it to be. Here are a few insights that may save you a trip to court, or atrepparttar very least, give you some idea of what may lie ahead. Everything listed here might not apply to everybody. There will always be exceptions to every rule, but it covers most of us.

1. It takes longer to get your divorce behind you than you think, or can allow yourself to believe.

I thought I had it together after a year. Then I thought I had it together after three years. Then I was impressed when I could say I had been divorced five years. Then I was devastated that I could be brought to tears in seconds after eight years when something inappropriate, I thought, was said to me. I guess it's always "there," but fortunately with each passing year it feels longer ago, less important and more comfortable. But unlike your child's owies, it's never quite all gone. As that old saying goes, marriage may not be forever, but divorce is.

2. Going through divorce is a physical experience.

This one took me by surprise. My body seemed to experience a death-defying whirlpool. I hate speed, roller coasters andrepparttar 102032 feeling of one's stomach dropping when on a turbulent airplane ride. But I can remember having all those feelings -- simultaneously -- while just sitting in a chair after we separated. Yuck! Fortunately this usually passes in three to nine months. Shorter than #1, but not short enough!

3. It never works out according to plan -- yours, that is!

And even when it does, it's only for a short time. Life after divorce is always changing and you won't have a lot of control over those changes. We often get hopelessly caught up in parenting plans when we first separate, and, while that is important, it doesn't usually prepare you forrepparttar 102033 ongoing changes and negotiations that go on for years -- changes that you don't always like but learn to live with. There isrepparttar 102034 ongoing tradeoff of deciding which battles will catch your children inrepparttar 102035 middle, and figuring out when one must learn to lose a battle to winrepparttar 102036 war. Or should I sayrepparttar 102037 peace --repparttar 102038 peace of mind your children need. Life takes twists and turns that will never be inrepparttar 102039 "plan," so you must learn to go withrepparttar 102040 flow or be hopelessly mired in your own anger or disappointments.

4. Parental time (a.k.a. custody) and shared financial responsibility (a.k.a. child support) are NOT tied together.

Though they might be tied together inrepparttar 102041 eyes of your mother or your mother-in-law, these are two separate issues. When you confuse them or make them cause-and-effect items, you do a squeeze on your kids. It seems like such a natural ("If he doesn't pay support on time, well thenrepparttar 102042 kids just won't be ready on time or at all" or "I'll be damned if I'm going to send a check this month if she and her honey are going on a ski trip withrepparttar 102043 kids -- that's not what I'm sending support for.") but this is not a life situation where each month comes to an even tally. It never is even. Equitable isrepparttar 102044 best you can hope for. Marriage isn't even, so divorce sure ain't gonna be.

5. You never outgrow your wish to berepparttar 102045 favored parent.

Remember when your kids asked you who you loved best, you knew what a silly (but honest) question it was because everyone likes being first inrepparttar 102046 hearts of those they love. Unfortunately in a divorce, when parents aren't together to hear news in a shared situation, your child will tell one beforerepparttar 102047 other. It doesn't mean you'rerepparttar 102048 less favored, secondary or unfavorite parent, but it sure does feels like it. So you have to learn to forgive yourself when those competitive feelings crop up fromrepparttar 102049 dark depths of your soul and learn to laugh at them. Remember you're not alone.

6. Divorce doesn't "fix" your ex.

If your former spouse was cheap, never on time and thoughtless beforerepparttar 102050 divorce, he or she will continue to be tight, late and prone to saying stupid things inrepparttar 102051 divorce. The things that you tolerated in marriage underrepparttar 102052 perfume of love will infuriate you in divorce. You thought you were done with putting up with "_____" (fill inrepparttar 102053 blank), but it continues just like it was in your marriage. You have to learn to accept, overlook and forgive, or else you are going to expend lots of wasted emotions on someone you're not even married to. You can only be angry with or hate someone you care about. (Ain't that a bummer!) Also, your lawyer can't make your ex-spouse be a sensitive person or parent, so don't waste unnecessary dollars trying to have your lawyer get "through" to him or her. When you can begin to replacerepparttar 102054 word "wrong" (as pertains to parenting skills, money values, personal habits, etc., etc., etc.) withrepparttar 102055 word "different," you'll have come a long way toward acceptance.

Get Ready To Set Goals in January

Written by Wendy Hearn

December tends to be a hectic time for most of us and before we know it January is upon us. Your thoughts may then turn torepparttar goals you’re going to set yourself during next year. As a coach I work with people to set goals that work for them and encourage them onrepparttar 102031 route to achieving them. I’ve found that many people want to set goals in January and this is great, but they often forget to review what they’ve achieved previously.

December is a great time to reflect on your achievements duringrepparttar 102032 past year, both personally and professionally. I really encourage you to take some time to write this down. Think back to January 1st and ask yourself, “How far have I come this year?” What have I achieved?”, “How have I improved myself?” and “What were my strengths?”

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