When starting a new relationship, many women (and men as well) tend to overlook some behaviors in their new partner that do not bode well for future. Then, down road, comes exclamation ‘If I had only known...’. As a Psychotherapist who has worked with mostly women and a few men in field of Domestic Violence, during counseling sessions we can always trace back unpleasant and also dangerous character traits to very start of relationship.

Here are some ‘Red Flags’ to watch out for in a new partner.

1)He makes decisions about where to go with little or no input from you.

2)He belittles your opinion when two of you are alone and may call you names.

3)He makes disparaging remarks about you in front of others and may talk about you as if you were not there.

4)He may be rough during love-making and make you engage in acts you do not like.

5)He does not want to spend time with your friends or family and insists you socialize with his people.

THE DESCENT

Our friend, who we'll call "Kay," started work as only Social Worker in a medical treatment clinic about six months ago. This clinic employs about 40 people, and runs two shifts, 6 days a week. About 120 patients are served weekly, with each visiting 3 times per week.

A large contingent of staff, including director, often uses a language other than English. About 8 months ago, Director was promoted from within organization with no prior experience managing large groups. When Kay showed up on scene as lone social worker on staff, she had recently moved from out of state, was new to medical community, and to diverse cultural mix in this organization. So she wisely decided to come in with few expectations and do her best to fit into this work culture using her considerable talent as an objective observer. One of first things she noticed was that interactions between patients and staff sorely lacked respect. She would often overhear heated conversations in a foreign tongue. All Kay understood was anger. The person Kay was replacing appeared very scattered, disorganized, and had generally poor relationships with rest of staff. Kay attempted to learn bigger picture from her by continually asking questions that would help her understand where a Social Worker fit into this establishment. What was expected? How will I be perceived? What are attitudes of medical staff about work I'll be doing? What processes are in place to handle this and that?

Neither outgoing Social Worker, nor anyone else for that matter, seemed to have any answers for her. The staff simply appeared to operate like a disjointed group of individuals, scurrying about, putting out some fires, and missing others in a haphazard fashion. Sometimes they would repeat each other’s work. Other times important tasks would be overlooked. Everyone seemed to operate through a pall of fear and anger. Kay, normally a very happy and enthusiastic person, soon found herself going to work every morning with a knot in her stomach. "I had no idea where I stood in this culture, where I fit, or how to be appreciated. The Director was constantly yelling at everyone. I didn't know if I was going to be yelled at for something I was supposed to be doing or not doing." Tension was thick in this place. The Director would start yelling early in day and everyone focused on simply dodging bullets rest of day. Sound familiar anyone?

This is certainly not kind of organization any of you out there can relate to, is it? Don't we wish!

THE SHIFT

Finally, one day Kay woke up and decided she wasn't going to live like this anymore. Unlike many, Kay did not need to work to sustain herself financially, and had enough confidence in herself to know she could find a job elsewhere if she needed to. She decided to try something new, knowing that she had power to leave if it didn't work out. You see, Kay is a smart cookie. She said, "I know deep down that I make my own joy. And I decided to choose joy on this job!" Kay decided what she would and wouldn't tolerate. She would be pleasant, kind, and considerate, in midst of ongoing turmoil and not let anyone, no matter what their position, treat her with disrespect, including her Director.

Kay sets boundaries. One day shortly after she made this decision, director began to yell at her. She told her, "Please tell me what you expect of me, but don't yell at me anymore or I'll quit." Many fearful people might call this a threat. But hear this my dear friends, this are simply called “consequences" by those with heart to exercise them. Kay pays it forward. Even though people weren't very friendly to one another, Kay decided to start complimenting everyone on staff who demonstrated even slightest competence or positive behavior. She began taking extra care to appreciate secretary who took more abuse than anyone and who interacted with everyone. Kay began to feed staff's hunger for positive reinforcement. Kay makes team. Even though Kay wasn't part of a highly functional work team, she began acting as if she were. She would jump in and help with any little job that crossed her path, even if it was outside of her realm, just to take some of load off of her coworkers. These were simple little things like making a quick phone call, making a copy, mailing a letter, passing on a message, etc.

Kay chooses mastery. Kay decided that she was going to put all she had into her work. She started providing extraordinary service rather offering simply ordinary.